DISCLAIMER: The following post may be considered offensive or triggering to environmentalists, baby seals, the entire country of Malaysia, and charmanders.
If you ever visit Malaysia, you need to know about Malogic. Malogic is Malaysian logic served with a side of inefficiency. It’s automatic hand dryers that are plugged in and turn on, but that management won’t let you use. It’s one mini trash can for a workspace that holds 75 people. It’s moving a meeting up two hours, with only a half hour of notice. It’s backing up on the highway because your Uber driver missed the exit, presumably because that particular exit was full of ghosts.
Occasionally, malogic also comes with a random side of curry, but I’m pretty sure that’s just a ploy to distract you from the fact that the coffee with cream you ordered still hasn’t been delivered even though it’s been sitting on the pass for twenty minutes, and you’re pretty sure you saw your waiter look at the coffee, consider his options, and then have a round at Pokémon Go instead of bringing that coffee.
And then when he does finally bring that coffee, it’s actually tea. You shut up and drink that tea because it will be another thirty minutes and a charmander before the correct coffee actually comes. Also, it's full of condensed milk, and if you've ever eaten condensed milk with a spoon, you know this is a high compliment.
Meanwhile, you’re being serenaded by the migraine-inducing whirrrrrrrrr of a cement cutter and a hammer because overnight, someone decided to demolish the perfectly acceptable sidewalk. So yesterday, you had your coffee while sitting on a plastic chair that rested on flat ground. Today, you’re teetering on top of a pile of rubble while some guy cuts individual cement bricks that will one day replace the sidewalk that existed just 12 hours earlier.
Obviously, Kuala Lumpur needs more cobblestone sidewalks.
And because you’re teetering on an unstable chair on top of a construction zone, you spill your “coffee” all over your fuzzy shirt. Your shirt is fuzzy since the washing machine has a “fuzzy” cycle that literally makes your clothes fuzzy, because who doesn't want to intentionally pill all their clothes?
Samsung claims that its "fuzzy logic" setting figures out the optimal settings for the load thanks to some sort of magical washing machine intuition, but all it's really done is turn me into one of those childhood stuffed animals that has been loved to death.
You reach for a napkin, but they don’t exist because free range, Malaysian napkins apparently are single handedly killing the environment. When the waiter does bring you your one allotted napkin, it’s in a little plastic cubby, which leads me to conclude that while paper napkins are slowly killing the baby seals, plastic napkin cubbies are definitely not.
Receipts aren’t killing aquamarine life either, because you get a few receipts for everything. Receipts for stinky durian, receipts for using the public bathroom, three receipts for credit card purchases! And a plastic bag for every individual item, just for good measure.
For all the pretty photos and none of the rants, follow Brooke on Instagram @brookesiem.