Kanye and I are going to cure St. Louis Encephalitis.

DISCLAIMER: The following post may be considered offensive or triggering to mosquitos, victims of mosquito-borne illness, toddlers, and Kanye West.

Today I had a million dollar idea: mosquito net clothing. Imagine, well tailored maxi-dresses, pullovers, and leggings made of mosquito netting, so you could walk around in the jungle or live in your run down shack of a bungalow without being covered in DEET. They’d be like those sheer mumus where your bikini shows through, but really you’re just getting away with walking around in public in your underwear. 

This is especially relevant because one of my fellow Remotes came down with Dengue fever last week and has been in the hospital ever since. I’d bet he’d give a lot of money to my new startup if it meant that he could go back in time and trade in his wardrobe for a closet full of mosquito mumus. And then, once he realized the glory of pants-free living, he’d probably just transition to kilts for the entirety of our Europe leg, because once you’ve experienced the splendor of society-accepted man skirts and the perk of a nice breeze, there’s no going back from that. 

I’d ethically produce the mosquito couture by hiring at-risk women in developing countries, so the project would double as a way to make a tiny, small dent in the sex trade industry. Pay the women a living wage, give a portion these mosquito mumus to areas where all the mosquito diseases are rampant, and my Fall 2017 collection would single handedly stop the spread of malaria, Dengue fever, Japanese Encephalitis, and all the other encephalitises (encephaliti?) caused by mosquitos. Mosquito mumus will even put an end to the oft ignored St. Louis Encephalitis, which is actually a real mosquito-borne disease, and not just a nickname for rabid Cardinals fan.   

I had my life all figured out for about three minutes. I swear, it was the some of the greatest consecutive three minutes of my entire life. Top five, at least. As any good 3-minute old business owner knows, the first rule of any good business idea is to do your research and see what the competition is like:

For when you take your S&M meetup group to the rainforest, or if you want to punish your 13 year old daughter on a family beach vacation to Costa Rica. 

For when you take your S&M meetup group to the rainforest, or if you want to punish your 13 year old daughter on a family beach vacation to Costa Rica. 

For the fashionable father who is looking to make a sexy style statement without detracting from his signature New Balance walking shoes (with arch support!) and kakhi shorts.  

For the fashionable father who is looking to make a sexy style statement without detracting from his signature New Balance walking shoes (with arch support!) and kakhi shorts.  

For direct access to the throat, just in case you need to strangle your jungle-mate or light up a joint and hotbox yourself.

For direct access to the throat, just in case you need to strangle your jungle-mate or light up a joint and hotbox yourself.

For the whole family, because reading inside is for losers. 

For the whole family, because reading inside is for losers. 

I know what you're thinking. Can you forget the mosquito nets and just invent a net that keeps toddlers and babies away from me? Wait, no. That's not what you're thinking. That's what I'm thinking. I digress. 

It's hard to tell whether the mosquito fashion market is begging for my help or overflowing with oodles of mumus. It also seems silly to try and create high fashion (or at least, Kohl's worthy fashion) when apparently, it's rather effective to just smother your children with a mosquito net. That said, Kanye West's latest fashion line is eerily similar to the mosquito mumu aesthetic. Maybe this is where he got his inspiration from. We should collaborate. If anyone out there knows Kanye, tell him to hit me up on Instagram and together, we'll save the world.