You know when you wake up in the morning and the first thought that runs through your head is fuck this day in particular? It's not like there is any actual reason for that thought because you haven't even gotten out of bed yet, but there it is, just poking at your brain over and over and over until roll out of bed and swallow a whole bunch coffee and prescriptions that allow you to pretend to be an important adult.
It's quite a monumental thing to convince yourself of this every morning. It's basically like saying to yourself, I really only speak English, but everyone thinks I speak French so I guess I'm speaking French today even though the only French you actually know is "baguette" and "eau de toilette" and "voulez vous coucher avec moi?" Luckily, those three French words can pretty much cover ninety percent of life instances. They basically just say, "give me food" and "you smell, go shower" and "we both know this is business transaction, so can I get some customer service?" For the rest of life, you just stall until you can go Google the answer in the bathroom. And then you always look like a genius because you're never wrong since Google is always right.
I spent 15 years pretending to speak metaphorical French, and then I realized that pretending to speak French was more destructive than just admitting that I only speak English. I decided that I would no longer pretend to be bilingual and over the course of a few months, starting in February and ending in June, I detoxed off all of my French medications. Now, when I randomly scream "baguette!" you can be sure that I'm just really hungry and not pretending like things are different than they are.
Of course, now that my days are not filled with colorful pills, waking up with the thought of fuck this day in particular is a much scarier scenario. Basic English becomes too difficult. (And since I'm still in Cambodia, English will also literally be difficult.) The first day is always the worst, because I don't know if I'll be tongue-tied for a day or two or if I'm facing weeks of limited English. Today is one of those first days. Today, I am quiet. Today, I look for a fresh baguette.