DISCLAIMER: I'm an Equal Opportunity Offender

In today's world, there are so many big things to be upset about: stray and mange ridden cats and dogs, Hillary Clinton's alleged body double, that guy from high school who got life in prison because he was carrying a gram of weed, "Breaking News" about Justin Bieber's latest face tattoo. 

All of these things are problems that humanity should theoretically be concerned about, and yet what we are most concerned about is policing the internet and overusing the word "shame" and "offensive." Who cares if the article is about at a starving refugee child who died because a large, endangered Rhino went on a global warming-induced rage and speared the poor kid with its horn? The real tragedy here is that not only did the journalist call the rhino a "fat rhino," but he also the referred to the child as a "he" instead of the gender-neutral "they." 

How DARE you determine this poor dead baby's gender identification? THIS IS SO OFFENSIVE and I will NEVER read your publication again. Also, ALL RHINOS ARE BEAUTIFUL. #stoprhinoshaming

You should be ashamed of these sorts of comments, internet. Also #stoprhinoshaming should really become the next big trending hashtag because somewhere, a fat endangered rhino is feeling very sorry for itself and could use a little anonymous internet support. Maybe we can all even get together and send it a little care packages of handmade cards and trinkets. I mean, we could send the cards and trinkets to one of those starving refugee kids, but there's like tens of thousands of refugee kids and only three or four endangered, fat rhinos. The odds just don't fall in the kids' favor. That's just basic statistics. 

Anyway, because no one can say what they want anymore without being labeled as offensive or racist against rhinos, I've decided to pre-empt my posts with a disclaimer outlining exactly who or what might be offended in each post. For example:

DISCLAIMER: The following text may be considered offensive or triggering to any and all rhinos, journalists, Hillary Clinton's butt double, Justin Bieber, people who incorporate the term "gender identity" into all conversations, dead babies, starving children, refugees, and statisticians. 

If you're offended because I left your particular brand of crazy out of the disclaimer, don't worry, there will be more opportunities coming soon. I aim to be an Equal Opportunity Offender, and on Remote Year, all I've got is time.