Day 17: Sometimes balloons need to be put in their place, right?
Note: The Rules & Guidelines for the Yes Test can be found here.
I went on a date with one half of the sushi duo, the half that actually lives in Vancouver. I noticed him when he sat down next to us, and while I'd like to say that my decision to interrupt their conversation was a truly altruistic interjection designed to save their tastebuds from rape and pillage via eel and banana "sushi," I really just wanted to feel out the situation and see if I was dealing with two bros on a man date or two people on a date...and stop them from giving the terrible restaurant any money.
My plan worked, apparently, and a few days later we found ourselves sitting by the water, siping margaritas and wondering whether or not we could get away with hopping the fence and taking a nap on one of the yachts we were staring at.
This led to a discussion of one of my favorite concepts: balloons and anchors. Basically, there are two types of people in the world, balloons and anchors. Every good party needs balloons, the kind of people who bring everyone up and keep the mood festive. Of course, every good party need anchors too (though balloons would rather not have them around), otherwise who knows what sort of shenanigans the balloons will get into. A party without anchors is what happens when someone gets duct taped to the ceiling, or when someone who can't swim decides it's a good idea to jump into the ocean after chugging 15 beers.
I am a perpetual anchor. I don't intentionally suck the life out of the party, but if you give me a few beers and ask me to duck tape someone to the ceiling, I'm probably going to point out the flaws in your plan and insist that at the very least, someone place a mattress below the balloon who's about to be stuck to the stucco. And when the person inevitably gets unstuck and plummets to the ground, I probably won't be there to tell you I told you so because I will have already gotten sleepy and gone home, like the anchor I am.
My date pointed out that suggesting that we hop the fence in order to take a nap on a yacht was distinctly balloon behavior, but I didn't want to give him a false impression of who I am, so I followed up my statement with my ongoing train of thought, which began with me me getting arrested and ended with spend the rest of my life rotting away in a Canadian jail along with the other low level criminals, like people who got caught for illegally tapping maple trees or not apologizing after blocking a doorway.
My date said I'd probably just get asked to leave, politely of course, but obviously I can't risk it. Classic anchor. But come on, without anchors, the world would just be full of balloons that would float off into the sky, ultimately deflate into the ocean, and kill all of the sea lions. So really I'm just doing the sea lions a favor. You can thank me later.