Note: The Rules & Guidelines for the Yes Test can be found here.
So I'm sitting at In 'n Out burger with one of my second families, listening to a story about how one of them accidentally got high after a funeral in Seattle, thanks to legalized weed and a dispensary employee who had apparently been dipping into his own stash because when he heard, "I'd like a pill with no THC and just CBD. I didn't like being high back then and I don't want to be high now," the guy behind the counter interpreted that as, "Give me the strongest stuff you've got."
Ten minutes after my friend took the pill, she knew an irreversible mistake had been made and spent the next few post-funeral hours higher than James Franco at the Oscars while her son and husband snickered and begrudgingly attempted to help her get her shit together. Not that there was much they could do, other than confirm or deny paranoia and the slow passage of time.
I'm hearing this story because I agreed to meet them for dinner even though I'd already sort of eaten dinner. (If I gain 15 pounds throughout this year, the Yes Test is to blame.) At some point, the Yes Test came up in conversation, which I'm learning is a bad sign, because it means that someone is going to create with some sort of challenge designed to embarrass me and amuse them...like karaoke, or worse, stand up comedy.
Yep, because of this innocent dinner at In 'n Out I now have to perform stand up comedy at some point before the year is over, preferably in Reno so the questioners can see it live. If my travel schedule doesn't allow me to do it in Reno, it has to be filmed to prove I did it...which also means that it could end up on the internet, which means I will basically fly back to Reno for one night just to make sure that doesn't happen. Flying back for a one night only comedy special, it's like I'm Louis CK in a pair of pumps.
I'm somehow more okay with this request than the karaoke, mostly because a) it's basically a guarantee that anyone who does this for the first time is going to bomb and b) stand up is an excuse to be the terrible person I've always wanted to be. You can get way with so much more on a stand up stage than you can in real life, which means I'm actually looking forward to going on a rant about how I think New Zealand should be turned into a child-free community since no one thinks it's a real country anyway. Imagine how quiet this haven would be! If someone accidentally get pregnant or get someone pregnant on the island, too bad for you. You get kicked off and can only return when your child is 18 or you have passed the drooling ball of cells off to an infertile family member, or dropped it off in the pasture to be raised by sheep. Either way.
And if that bit fails to bring down the house, I know I at least have the start of another joke to fall back on:
So they're legalizing weed all across the country...